Live Uncomfortably

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Dear reader,

This is a very serious post. Make sure you read the entire page.

Have you ever wondered what makes foreign people so attracted to me? Does it keep you up at night? The endless tossing and turning. Can’t seem to stop thinking about it? Well worry no more. Here are the top 5 reasons why I am so popular in foreign countries.

1. My Underwear

Before I left on my trip, I decided that I wanted to pack light. Right now, I only have a small duffel bag and a backpack that I travel with. And if I want, I can even stuff the backpack into the duffel bag.

So in the spirit of packing light I only purchased two pairs of underwear.

ExOfficio Men’s Give-N-Go Sport Briefs are awesomely small and light. They also are easy to clean. I wear them into the shower with me, wash them, and they dry in about 2-3 hours.

I got the sport brief cut on the recommendation of my travel buddy Clay. For the first two months, Clay and I couldn’t stop laughing whenever we saw each other walk to the bathroom in the morning. Eventually we got over it. But when we started staying in hostels, the people working in the mornings got a kick out us walking towards the shower in Superman briefs.

They might be tight, but they aren’t white.

2. My Profound Interest In Learning Corny Pickup Lines
I love learning corny pickup lines in Spanish. I’d never dream of using these lines in the States and in English, but for some reason it’s hilarious to tell a girl, “No tocas la mercancia,” (Don’t touch the merchandise).

I like to follow up a line like this with “Perdon, no quiero chamullar.” This roughly means, “I’m not trying to B.S. you,” or “I’m not trying to pick you up.”

Thus far these lines have been enough to at least begin a conversation. At which point they quickly realize my Spanish isn’t as incredible as my lines are. But it’s great for a laugh.

They weren’t too sure about the pickup lines, especially the one on the right

But she loved them

3. My Hot, White, Body

Sizzle

Believe it or not, my body is very white. And when your body and face are white in Colombia, you’re awesome. You’re foreign. All the Colombian guys tell me that I have an advantage with the women (I’m still working on proving them right).

Of course Argentines aren’t too impressed because they are a rather light skinned nation as it is. But if I’m exotic in one country, just one, then I’m happy.

4. My Ability to Attract Mosquitoes

Mosquitoes come from miles around just to sample my blood. I’m like the pyramids in Egypt, the Grand Canyon in Arizona, or Pinkberry in Los Angeles . Every mosquito thinks he has to bite me at least once in his life or he hasn’t lived.

There have been several nights on this trip where I’ve been bitten upwards of 10-15 times while Clay, who’s sleeping in the same room, hasn’t had a single bite. Thus, the foreigners love the fact that I keep the mosquitoes away from them.

5. My Ability to Eat A Kilo of Meat During Asados

My portion

I don’t know if it’s because I’m American or what, but I can eat a lot of meat in one sitting. And it’s a good thing too because there is always plenty of meat to be consumed in Argentina.

I think thus far my biggest meat eating experience (BMEE) was a kilo. That’s over 2 lbs. of meat. Argentines love this about me. I never turn them down when they offer me meat. As Clay likes to say, “We’re a mother’s dream.” Both of us always clear our plates.

6. And too many other awesome things to list…